Another Side of Doing Porn

After doing porn for a few years, I’ve started to acknowledge a lot of things I had never really thought about before.

Back when I was younger, I think I had the same dream as everyone else: that doing porn would be some glorious job where you could meet hot guys while making money at the same time.

And yes, all of that is true.

A lot of those dream-like moments really do happen, again and again. I can’t deny that it can be a dream job for many people.

But today, I want to talk about a few of the downsides that have affected my life, both mentally and physically. I’ll let you be the judge of whether it’s worth it, and whether you’d still want to do porn if you ever had the chance.

And I should say this first: my experience might be very different from someone else’s. Not all creators are in the same circumstances.

A lot of creators are basically angels walking around in human bodies. They’re attractive, they enjoy what they do, and they make money from it at the same time. Some of them genuinely have a great time, and honestly, they deserve it. I’ve met people along this journey who are genuinely amazing, and I’m truly happy that this work has turned out so well for them.

Some of them can also say yes or no in a lot of situations simply because they have the ability to choose.

My case is a little different.

The hate is different when you’re the one on camera.

When I started this business, I already knew I didn’t have the looks or the body of someone you’d normally see in porn.

But my niche was never really about normal sex, either.

I enjoy seeing people who work extremely hard on themselves — people who take care of their appearance and build a body they are proud of — finally getting the worship they deserve.

I enjoy pleasing other people. When they feel good, I feel good.

That’s how edging and worship became the main focus of my content.

Along the way, I thought that if I could enjoy myself a little too, that would be even better.

So instead of just jerking off behind the camera or using my hands like in a typical edging video, I didn’t mind appearing in a lot of my videos.

It probably didn’t help that I also prefer oral over a handjob when I’m doing the edging part.

For me, it feels more intimate. Especially during that early stage between the teasing and the point where things really get started.

With just my hands, I don’t feel as connected to the person I’m filming with. I can’t always tell whether I’m doing it right, whether I’m going too fast or too slow, whether he likes it, or whether I should stop or continue at a certain moment.

Weirdly, when I’m using oral, I can read all of those things much more easily.

So I kept doing it.

But there’s an obvious downside to putting yourself in front of the camera when you don’t exactly look like a model walking down a runway.

Some people don’t like it. And on one level, I understand that.

If the camera angle catches too much of me, or if I appear in a way that takes attention away from the model, I can understand why someone would find it annoying.

But another part of me is still confused by how much some people seem to focus on me.

I’ve watched a ridiculous amount of porn myself, especially worship content. And when I watch, I focus on the model. I don’t really care what the cameraman looks like or what the other guy is doing.

I just want to see the hot guy being worshipped.

So I always thought there had to be people out there who appreciated what I do — people who understood that my goal is to make whoever is in front of the camera look badass and feel good during the session, regardless of what I personally look like.

And yes, criticism is always welcome.

It’s just porn. There are plenty of other videos to choose from.

That’s not what bothers me.

What bothers me is when criticism turns into actual hatred.

I’ve deleted a lot of the DMs and emails I’ve received over the years, and sometimes I wish I hadn’t, because I could probably show you some of them now.

You probably wouldn’t believe some of the things people have said.

People have insulted my appearance, my body, and even my family. I’ve had someone call my mother a bitch for giving birth to an “ugly troll.”

It actually happened.

A lot of the messages weren’t that extreme, but they still hurt.

Being gay can be hard enough. Being gay and not conventionally attractive can be even harder. Being gay, not conventionally attractive, and Asian?

Apparently, that’s another level again.

When it started

The first time I received something like this was when someone retweeted one of my posts on X and called me something related to my Asian appearance.

I don’t remember the exact word anymore. It is similar to Mongol but not that one. At the time, I didn’t even know what it meant, so I had to Google it.

I was pretty surprised when I found out it was aimed at me for being Asian.

I reported it to X.  Nothing happened.

At the time, I remember thinking that maybe it was simply because I’d started showing my face in videos, so people had noticed that I was Asian.

But I’d never really thought about hiding myself in the first place.

And it was just one incident. I’m not particularly sensitive, so I thought, whatever. Fuck it.

Then it started happening more often.

Not always in an obvious or extreme way. Sometimes it was just a little comment here, another one there, maybe a few times a month.

Sometimes other members from OnlyFans or people on my site would see something and send me a screenshot, telling me that it wasn’t okay and that I should report it.

These are just a couple of examples of things people have written about me on boards such as LPSG. I still have these on the chat they sent me.

 

And honestly, these are the softer versions.

Most of the time, moderators automatically delete this kind of post before I even get a chance to see it myself.

Sometimes I’ve been tempted to create an account and reply to people to correct misinformation or explain what actually happened.

For example, one person complained about the price of a video.

What they didn’t understand was that the price I set was the price the model’s agent told me to charge. That’s the agreement we had for filming. Some, I practically signed a contract with them.

If I suddenly sold that video for less, people would come directly to me instead of buying through the model, which could create a problem with the person I’m working with.

And what happened, you ask? – They will never film with me again. In case you don’t remember, I don’t have a look to fall back on. Not to mention the legal aspect comes after that.

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with something like that.

So now I usually ask how much the model wants the video to be sold for. Once we agree on the price, I stick to it.

That way, there are no misunderstandings.

But online attacks are incredibly easy to create and incredibly difficult to defend yourself against.

This post belongs to 2024. It’s an old post that started a lot of hate, and admin deleted some of the comments there.

They accused me of lying about my videos and claimed they were mostly just 720p, while at the time this guy was posting. My newest batch of videos is all 1080p already.

I honestly think he just didn’t know how to change the resolution. The player automatically starts at the lowest quality depending on the viewer’s internet connection. He also spread a lie about the price. Back then the membership was fixed at $9. So 12-15 that he posted are all lies.

80% of the video is included in membership. Compared to the number of PPV on the site, it is quite different. Yet this guy says the opposite.

All videos were downloadable back then; just use a normal download manager such as IDM. But people are just too…. . They don’t know how to download a video if you don’t give them a download button to click. It’s late 2025, and the stream provider prevents downloading the video from the stream directly that I announce on the site. But PPV is still downloadable.

Again, what is about rentmen? – I think in the first few years I do my collab normally. Rarely paid to hire a professional model at all. It’s mutual content created so that both parties can use the footage to sell on their page. I start to hire some model with the agent I know around late 2025, when I was depressed and I didn’t have a heart to go on looking for a collab. But I don’t even think there are more than 15 models on the site I was hired to shoot to these days.

So many baseless accusations like this. So many lies. So many things that would take hours to explain.

Eventually, I just became exhausted.

I decided that I wasn’t going to spend my life trying to correct every single person on the internet.

Last year, I hired someone to monitor my online presence and take care of this kind of thing for me.

I told them that if they see something like this, just report it.

Don’t send it to me.

Don’t show it to me.

Unless it’s serious.

I think there has only been one situation that I would consider potentially serious.

Someone sent me a DM containing the word “death.”

It was misspelled in a way that probably helped it avoid moderation, but personally, I didn’t think it was a real death threat. From the way it was written, it felt more like someone aggressively cursing at me.

They asked me whether I wanted to involve the police.

I asked what the procedure would be and eventually decided to let it go.

It sounded complicated, expensive, and time-consuming, and I honestly didn’t have the energy for it.

So I just tried to stop listening.

2. When porn stops being exciting

The second thing people might not think about is the numbness.

Have you ever found a restaurant that serves the most delicious food you’ve ever tasted?

Every time you walk past the area, you feel like you have to stop and order that same dish.

Now imagine you found something so delicious that you couldn’t get enough of it…

…and then you had to eat it every single day for an entire year.

Would it still taste as amazing as it did when you only had it once every three or four months?

I think porn can work the same way.

I’ve met too many good-looking, almost god-like guys.

I’ve spent hours worshipping every inch of these unbelievably perfect bodies.

And honestly, it messed with my brain.

Normal things stopped exciting me.

It became almost like a drug. You keep increasing the dose because the old amount doesn’t give you the same feeling anymore.

The excitement of meeting someone at a club, a bar, or even a sauna slowly disappeared.

Last year was probably the lowest point of my life.

When I traveled for filming, I could sometimes have sex three or four times a day, because that was literally part of the work.

Then I’d come back to my country…

…and suddenly all my sexual appetite was gone.

Zero.

I didn’t even feel the urge to masturbate.

And it wasn’t just for a few days.

It lasted for two whole months.

Two months of feeling almost nothing.

When I met friends and we’d run into some good-looking guy at a party, I normally still felt some kind of excitement.

Even if I knew the chances of anything actually happening between me and that guy were close to zero, there was still something there.

A little challenge.

A little hope.

Even getting rejected can still feel good in its own weird way, because at least you wanted something.

But last year?

I felt nothing.

That was the scariest part.

When I realized something was wrong

Eventually, I realized that this wasn’t normal and that I needed to talk to a doctor.

It turned out that I probably hadn’t been taking care of my mental health properly, and eventually it started affecting me physically too.

So I stopped traveling for a few months.

I spent more time trying to get myself back on my feet and started doing things that made me feel alive again, like ice skating.

Maybe I was trying to bring back a little piece of the person I used to be when I was younger. I used to skate a lot, so doing it again felt strangely comforting.

By the end of last year, I was doing much better.

It took around half a year in total to feel like I was getting back to normal.

And then this year, I lost my job as well because of circumstances outside my control.

That made this porn business the only source of income I currently have to support myself.

So realistically, quitting completely or even slowing down a lot isn’t really an option right now.

But I have learned how to balance things better.

I’ve learned how to let go of things.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to care about every single comment, every single opinion, or every single thing happening online.

And most importantly, I feel like I’ve started to enjoy doing this again.

It’s not at the same level as when I first started.

But it’s better.

And honestly, right now, that’s enough for me.

Everyone’s experience is different

I think a lot of creators out there don’t have the same problems I did.

I know for a fact that some of the people I’ve met along this road genuinely enjoy what they’re doing. They have a great balance between work and life, they’re happy, and I’m genuinely happy for them.

But I also know a few people who ended up in situations very similar to mine.

So maybe this is the part I want to leave you with.

If you’re a creator and you’re struggling with something like this, I hope you find your way through it.

I hope you find some balance again.

I hope you find something that makes you feel alive outside of work.

And I hope you eventually find your way back to being happy.

Love,

bttmintown